The songs I share with my posts are meant as a backdrop for the writings. They usually help with a theme or emotion I have been reflecting on. Sometimes, I’ll write a separate piece about the song or its themes.
Over the last several years, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on where I was in the last season of my time in Seattle. I wrote about some of it here, here, and here.
With the help of friends, counselors, and my wife - I discovered and found language to say I was in a survival state those last few years. I was doing what needed to be done to continue in a place I could no longer thrive. Some of my latest reflections on that season have me letting go of some hurt and anger only to place my hand inside that of sadness and sit awhile for a long season of healing.
I’ve discovered and decided that many friendships are irreparable - because of the trust that was broken or manipulated - and in some cases outright abused. I still grieve for what was robbed of all of us. These were folks I would have hoped would hold my kids as I have held theirs. Folks I looked forward to new experiences with and hearty laughs around a table remembering old ones. I feel the pain of knowing that the road there is nearly impossible to find our way back to. Not after all the breadcrumbs have been taken away by the winds of deep hurt and bitterness.
It’s not like it was all bad. In fact, I will always remember the time I spent in Seattle as it was formative to my faith, my wide-eyed belief that I was where the Lord had called me, and my discovery that I could do great things for the Lord. To the contrary though, I’ve also been reflecting on this latest season here in Texas where I am learning the small quiet life type of ministry and living. The good and grand in the little things. I’ve shared about joining a small Episcopalian church a few towns over. I love our small church family - which I know I had some hesitancy around using that language again so quickly. Some of the folks have been around for two decades if not longer, some are children of founding members. We have folks joining online from multiple countries each Sunday , and I’m reminded how useful a tool the Internet really is to help us gather together.
I’ve been specifically mulling about talents and skills and gifting and how a church can accept, and utilize one another’s “toolboxes” without costing one another the joy you can and should find while serving The Lord and His People. It really feels so simple to do this, but it’s just as simple to take advantage of one another in the name of Jesus. Our experience here is not that.
My wife, Angelique, was a nanny and children’s pastor and she leaned into the Godly Play ministry at church. Some days, I hear the little glimmer moments from her time with the kids and I have been impressed with that style of teaching and how intentional it is about children being people and being able to hear from God and engage with His truths and wisdom. I’ve heard nothing but good things in her time leading there.
On the other hand, while I have been slower to jump in full speed, I have helped improve the live-streaming portion of our service and it’s been a delight to learn again and see several improvements little-by-little to an online tool and community. We see several folks who have visited in person or passed through or who can’t make the drive or flight in each week.
I have been unwillingly slow in some things not for lack of desire, but lack of joy. I am happy to share that I am once again finding joy these days using my giftings and skills to serve my community and friends. I am thankful that a beautiful shift has happened in my soul as I continue and return to thinking creatively around digital toolboxes for discipleship but also for equipping others to see and know great hope in Jesus and a life lived with Him.
Where do you find yourself today? Is it a place of growth and thriving? Is it tedious and life draining? My prayer is that we can all find ourselves in healthy spaces - where people aren’t perfect, but they aren’t constantly harming each other whether willingly or unintentional. My hope is that God wants that for us all.
May we all see and savor it soon.
Healing journeys can be slow - perhaps feeling like forever - but I honor your transparency through the eye of it. May joy be tenacious and persistent in pursuit of you, Hector. 🫂
Seeing your healing process has been beautiful. I know the messiness that has existed and have seen the way our God has held on to you as you’ve been weary.
I love you and I’m so proud of you