On the Edges of Realized Hope
The moment before you catch your footing beneath you.
“Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens. Promisе me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, and whеn you get the choice to sit it out or dance - I hope you dance.”
Lately, I feel the moment of hope you feel when you’re coming up out of the water and you just make contact with the sand… you know you’re close but you’re not quite out yet. Or perhaps, its more like the moment your feet stop slipping so much under the steepness of the hill you’re climbing. The dirt swirls in the air as you finally catch footing and you start to feel the land flatten a bit under your feet. You’re not quite on top of the mountain, but you know you’re close.
This is where life finds me now. Two plus years into the newness of returning home. I’ve moved on from a few jobs and am now a substitute teacher. Last year, I ended up being a permanent art sub at the high school, but this year I tried more of the other schools in the district. I had a few days at the Intermediate last year and this year I had a few more. After a few weeks moving around the different schools, I ended up in a long term assignment.
For the last few months, I’ve been teaching and aiding in a 5th grade math class, then moved into a 3rd grade class, computer lab and some as needed assignments.It was the first few weeks that convinced me I would be trying to return to school to become a teacher. I’m thankful for the ways I’ve been able to lean into what parallels the ministry I used to be in during my time as a youth and family pastor. I’ve looked kids in the eyes as I saw panic and worry as others finished work much faster than them. I’ve had to speak to the minds and ears that welled up tears were starting to fill. I’ve had to sit with a student who got caught lying to me.
”You are not dumb. You can do math.”
“You can pass this test. Just slow down. You have enough time.”
“I appreciate your apology but I still have to write this down.”
Inside of this season, I’m also learning is that I am healing much more than I have ever felt I’ve healed. I’m not 100%, but I have had several conversations and a few interactions online lately that have helped me gauge where I am at mentally, spiritually, emotionally.
I know many will read this next sentence and throw their hands in the air - maybe cry out with some slight disgust and horror.
I kept checking in on the church I left.
I had to hear what was said after that last school shooting, an assassination attempt on a former President, a viral news cycle. I wanted to remind myself that I was still not wrong. I wasn’t imagining things nor misrepresenting them when I was judging what was shared from the pulpit vs what I had been led to believe should be shared from what was supposed to be a sacred thing - not a soap box.
Those days feel over. I checked in and tried to watch the livestream and for the first time in a long time - it was empty. It did not feed an anger or rage anymore. I turned it off, knowing it wasn’t worth the time or effort to process. It felt like that one time you ate the mystery flavor jelly beans and were too proud to admit you had less than zero chance of getting the vomit flavored one, and then you kept eating it knowing there were more. No one? Just me. Okay, I admit - it’s foolish to keep going back, but that scab was just itching and I kept peeling at it. I know better - and I knew better - but I’m hoping that this truly is the end of trying to find some sort of vindication in watching back. I wrote a while back that I had let some of those friendships go and others I am so thankful for the check ins.
I’ve joined not just my physical church here in Texas, but also a digital gathering of others on the journey with Jesus. Some burned out from church, some in communities without a church that isn’t spewing hate or politics or weird beliefs about mental health or religious activity from the pulpit. I joined the Bible study just last night and I was so thankful to engage with the Scriptures with other believers.
I say that because while I’d been attending and even serving in the A/V booth and helping digitally in my small church, I had yet to personally sit with the Scriptures - or been able to join a Bible study. Part of that is just a timing thing - our church is out of town and it’s an extra commitment in a season that I am trying to build up commitment as I can. I’m thankful for a church that can see these things not as a threat, but as a continuance of being a part of the global body. They hold a hybrid zoom bible study while we drive up and I’m sure eventually we’ll start early enough to join.
I’m so thankful for finding these moments on the hill, I look forward to making it to the top and taking a breather as we continue on the journey.
Here’s a few things I have in my ears right now:
What I’m Listening To - Apple Music Playlist
Viva Tejano podcast - Texas Monthly
My church’s sermons on YouTube